The Legend of the Crotch Cattle

     The year was 1991, the freshman year of College in Chautauqua hall at SUNY Fredonia. I had a flock of Seagulls haircut and a blackeye from falling off a roof over the summer. My hall was a mixed group from all different parts of the state and my roommate was a local kid from the suburbs of Buffalo named Kevin House; a simple kid with a girlfriend back home and a passion for playing guitar and as dull as hell. As I was the opposite of dull and loved to have fun I befriended almost everybody in the hall and my friend Karl was the guy who had equal sarcasm and imagination to help develop a story that we still talk about to the day...24 years later.
     Karl and I loved to fuck with people, not really in a mean way but more of a ridiculous method of getting people to believe the most outlandish and insane things. We convinced one guy that we used to get really high from smoking a variety of cheeses out of a bong, that was a classic. There was this strange kid in our hall who kinda talked funny and used to tell us stories about how his father had no arms and his mother fell down an elevator shaft; not funny but bizarre stuff. Anyway, he was a weird dude and one time we told him that we were going to the dog pound to fuck dogs and wanted him to come and join us...I still have his reaction in my head like it was yesterday. As we chased him around telling him that he had to come with us he was screaming, "I.....don't want........to fuck no Dahhhhhgggggssss!".The same kid had a 6 am radio show on the college station and he Karl and I both did guest spots on his show, we filled his hour with some strange conversation and I remember playing "Nitzerebb" and "The Ministry" His roommate was equally funny, Rolondo was his name. He was a very tall and lanky African American Kid from some island somewhere. He was super well mannered and spoke with perfect grammar. I remember his decor was a Bon Jovi and a Garfield poster. Rolando used to often dine with us and he often got upset at how unhealthy the food was in the dining hall. At One point he sat and stared at his crappy food service Burger and very politely said, "This is not a balanced meal" as the rest of the people at the table sucked them down like candy.
     Ok now the best of all the little tidbits of fun. Karl and I told Kevin that there was an easy way to make extra money and of course being a college student, he immediately expressed interest. We told him that the local Wendy's had a salad bar and often times bought supplies from local students. The most sought after ingredient was something called "Crotch Potatoes" which are a tiny varietal potato that is grown int he warms and murky undergrowth of a male college students crotch area....and this he believed and wanted to make the extra dough! To take it a step further to the insane, we also told him that we often times wore a special kind of tubing similar to a Hamster Habitual system under our clothing to grow tiny cattle called "Crotch Cattle". to our Amazement he believed that we wore these systems and grew tiny cows for the high demand beef market at Wendy's.